Let Them 2.0
Mel Robbins is brilliant! Her white hot book, The Let Them Theory is a game changer. She has discovered a simple truth, based upon ancient philosophies and offers tools and practical advice that will change your life and improve your health and your relationships with others.
Truth: All human beings have a hardwired need for control.
In The Let Them Theory, Mel draws upon research from neuroscience, psychology, and human behavior to help us tackle our human need for control in the most productive way. She lays out a two-step process, “Let Them, Let Me” to shift our focus from controlling others to taking personal responsibility for controlling ourselves and our emotions. Learning to take personal responsibility in life is essential. As adults we cannot expect others to take responsibility for our situations, our actions and our lives. But if we stop there, we can too easily teeter into the dangerous false security of self-reliance. Meaning, we think we have to rely only on ourselves to live a happy and fulfilling life. Believe me, I know. I have lived it and there is another truth to explore.
Truth: All human beings have a hardwired need to feel accepted and be loved.
I am not talking about human love. I am talking about the love that fills the void in your soul. Human beings are imperfect and our love for one another is also imperfect. It does not completely satisfy. No matter how hard we try and how deeply we care for one another, we make mistakes, we say stupid things - usually from a well-intended place, and sometimes it hurts and even wounds another’s heart. I don’t care how perfect your spouse, your partner, your parents, your children or your best friends are, they are human and cannot fill the need to be completely loved. That is why too many of us chase other things in life to try to fill the void: the perfect job, the perfect car, the perfect house, the perfect body.
What I have found in my wellness coaching practice is we often think if we could just fix that one thing in our life, we would be happy; like the relationship with our children, or our jobs or finances, or lose weight and keep it off. I know, because I have been there myself. And I have killed myself trying to take personal responsibility to change an outcome. When I am doing speaking events, I share my personal journey about taking responsibility for my health and wellness. I was so desperate for change that I became this crazy person determined to be successful. I spent literally 40 exhausting years in my own desert of self-reliance and to no avail. I often say I lost the same 20 lbs., 20 times and could never keep it off. I was miserable all the time. It was like my body was a fat factory. The minute I would begin to actually like the person looking back at me in the mirror, the weight would start to creep back on.
So, while “Let Them, Let Me” is a powerful approach, it’s a two-legged stool. Well, maybe more like a ladder. It helps us ascend to a higher best self. It’s like Mel gives us the tools and leads us to the highest base camp on Mt Everest where the horizon looks bigger and brighter than ever before. But to live our best self, we cannot stop there forever. We must reach the summit. Can you imagine? And while as daring as it may seem, it is possible! It’s the third leg of the stool. What do I mean?
Let God
In Mel’s book she shares a very relatable situation where she is in a long checkout line at a store when she was limited on time. We have all been there. She describes what happens in our brains, our amygdala flips on our stress reaction. She urges instead of rolling our eyes, tapping our feet, sighing deeply and complaining to the person in line behind us, to say “Let them”. Let the cashier be slow and attentive to the customer in front of her. Let them solve the issue of no price tag on the last item and “Let me” take personal responsibility for my emotions and acknowledge that I cannot control this situation. But there is more.
In this very situation if we took the third step, “Let God” we allow the spiritual world to open possibilities we would otherwise overlook. Imagine this, rather than you deciding to lay down your item and leave, you take the third step of “Let God”. In a brief moment you reflect on what God is trying to tell you right now. Is it to notice the stranger behind you and how amazing she looks in the dress she is wearing, and you tell her so? You have no idea what is going on in her life and how deeply she needed that compliment that would change her life. Or instead of leaving with your personal responsibility in check, you realize you are not in control. You “Let God” and trust you will make your next appointment. You stay in line and recognize when you leave a few minutes later that perhaps He was preventing you from being at the traffic intersection during the precise moment of a collision that just happened. When we “Let God” we realize we are spiritual beings in physical bodies for a prescribed amount of time on this earth. We are not in control at all. But living in faith is so exciting and liberating! We learn to move in blind faith, act and not get trapped in “the desert of self-reliance”. We ask God why this is happening right now and ask Him to show us what He wants us to do. When we act in faith and trust it is better than anything we could have done alone.
We only have so many moments on earth. When we “Let God”, we realize that He is the only source of perfect love. Only He can fill the cracks of imperfect love we receive from other humans. I finally learned this as a 60-year-old mother and grandmother. I learned that trying to always outwork, or control others left me frustrated, empty, and exhausted. When I asked God to step in, He brought the solutions to the burdens I carried for so long. He led me to the knowledge, the people, and the interventions I needed to heal my emotions and transform my physical health.
Spiritual Wellness
In my coaching practice, I help others learn about the 8 dimensions of wellness (Physical, Emotional, Financial, Environmental, Social, Occupational, Intellectual, Spiritual) and pinpoint their wellness risks. Isn’t it interesting that Spiritual Wellness is the only wellness area that is not of this world? Every other area of wellness is an aspect of living this life on earth and beckons us to “fix” it ourselves. Wisdom and wellness comes from understanding that Spiritual Wellness is foundational to all other areas of wellness. I am not talking about the cheeky “Let Go, Let God” mantra that became popular some years ago. This suggests passiveness, without taking personal responsibility. I am urging that Mel’s brilliance of the Let Them Theory lays the foundation for taking healthy personal responsibility and letting go of controlling others and situations. But it cannot stop there. We must take the third step of “Let God” to reach the summit of living our highest best self. We must invite the Divine into our time here on earth.
So I leave you with this well-known quote from Pope Saint John Paul ll, “It is Jesus in fact that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you” (source).
And Mel, if you’re reading this, let’s write the sequel, together. Let’s help our readers crest the summit: Let Them, Let Me, Let God.
BE WELL,
KELLY